Please Just Go Away
Dear Mr. Bonds,
Yesterday the Los Angeles Times, quoting your agent Jeff Borris, confirmed that you would return next year to play your 22nd season in Major League Baseball. While I knew that your return was more than probable, I am going to take this opportunity to beseech you to hang up your cleats.
The obvious reason you will be coming back at the ripe old age of 42 is to try to catch Hammerin’ Hank Aaron’s career home record of 755 homeruns. You currently stand at 734. Since you’ve hit 26 this year (with three games left to play), it’s quite conceivable that you could get 22 more next year to pass Aaron.
And I’m sure next season ESPN will be doing everything possible to remind us of your pursuit of the record. Every homerun you hit will be mentioned on their sports ticker constantly taunting me as I watch. Once you get closer to 755, ESPN will cut into their programming to show us everyone of your at-bats live. That’s just going to be so insufferable.
No one outside of San Francisco wants to see you break the record. On the contrary, some people, including myself, would rather see you in jail for allegedly committing perjury to the grand jury that was investigating the BALCO scandal and possible tax evasion.
You’ve made your money, won your MVP awards, gotten the single season homerun record along with a bunch of other records, and surpassed Babe Ruth’s homerun total. Sure you never got your World Series ring but that probably wouldn’t happen next year anyway, unless you went to the New York Yankees. Plus, don’t you want to spend more time with your family?
So please, just go away. Then maybe I can start enjoying baseball again.
Sincerely,
The Pocho
P.S. Please go easy on the Dodgers this weekend. They’re going to need all the help they can get to make the playoffs.
Yesterday the Los Angeles Times, quoting your agent Jeff Borris, confirmed that you would return next year to play your 22nd season in Major League Baseball. While I knew that your return was more than probable, I am going to take this opportunity to beseech you to hang up your cleats.
The obvious reason you will be coming back at the ripe old age of 42 is to try to catch Hammerin’ Hank Aaron’s career home record of 755 homeruns. You currently stand at 734. Since you’ve hit 26 this year (with three games left to play), it’s quite conceivable that you could get 22 more next year to pass Aaron.
And I’m sure next season ESPN will be doing everything possible to remind us of your pursuit of the record. Every homerun you hit will be mentioned on their sports ticker constantly taunting me as I watch. Once you get closer to 755, ESPN will cut into their programming to show us everyone of your at-bats live. That’s just going to be so insufferable.
No one outside of San Francisco wants to see you break the record. On the contrary, some people, including myself, would rather see you in jail for allegedly committing perjury to the grand jury that was investigating the BALCO scandal and possible tax evasion.
You’ve made your money, won your MVP awards, gotten the single season homerun record along with a bunch of other records, and surpassed Babe Ruth’s homerun total. Sure you never got your World Series ring but that probably wouldn’t happen next year anyway, unless you went to the New York Yankees. Plus, don’t you want to spend more time with your family?
So please, just go away. Then maybe I can start enjoying baseball again.
Sincerely,
The Pocho
P.S. Please go easy on the Dodgers this weekend. They’re going to need all the help they can get to make the playoffs.
posted by The Pocho at 12:39 PM
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